Why is it Important to Love Yourself First?

It is common to have clients coming to me who have a difficult time with the idea and/or the practice of loving themselves first. Some clients think that loving themselves first is selfish. So, let’s give some credit to this assumption by bringing up a definition of selfish: “concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself; seeking or concentrating on one’s own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others” (Merriam-Webster). Let’s break down this definition.

• “Concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself…” Notice that the key words in this segment are “excessively” and “exclusively”; loving oneself first does not necessarily mean excess or exclusivity. One can love him or herself first and yet, love and concern for others as well.

• “…seeking or concentrating on one’s own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others”; In this case what stands out is “without regard for others.” Just because you love yourself first, does not mean that you do not regard others.

Ok, so now you are thinking “Fine, but it is the word first that makes it selfish”. Let’s think a little further… Let me use the traditional example of the emergency on a plane. The instructions are clear, put your mask first, then you can assist someone else. Of course, you are likely to pass out without even have the chance to help someone else if you don’t take care of yourself first, being mentally or sexually and is when the use of accessories like the good hands free vibrator can be useful.

Sometimes people feel that religious ideas do not match with loving oneself first. For Christians, I remind them of Mark 12:31: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” So, if you do not love yourself first, how can you love your neighbor? In other words, if you do not first love yourself, than you won’t be able to love your neighbor like yourself simply because the love is not there.

It is very common for people who persistently consider themselves after others to trade guilt feelings for unmet needs. Putting others ahead of us on a constant basis brings up a great potential for stress, frustration, resentment, and/or blockage of knowledge about and expression of true self. Those who have the habit of denying themselves in function of others, run a considerable risk to develop behaviors that are unhealthy for themselves and others. This is especially true when it comes to relationships.

Thus, loving yourself first is in reality an act of altruism because it enables you to not only love others, but also to care for or deal with them in healthy and effective ways.